An anonymous scribe writes down the oral traditions, playing on the style and syntax of the Talmud, thus codifying Laviot laws for all future generations.
Bereishit, in the beginning, Laviot was built on agreement. Founders Oli and Gabi agreed on everything: the aims, the values, the timeline for various milestones. It seemed like a fantastic partnership. But as the saying goes: two Jews, three opinions. Very soon afterwards they began to disagree so much that they were likened to Rabbis Hillel and Shammai, who founded two strongly opposing schools of thought in Jewish Oral Law. Below is a transcript of some of their discussions.
Mishnah Laviot 1
The new year of Laviot is: On the twenty-fifth of Tammuz, the celebration of the Pride Picnic. Rav Gabliel says: this is the day the people first joined together and sat and ate, as it is written, “These are the feasts of the Lord, the holy convocations, which you shall proclaim in their appointed seasons” (Lev 23:4). According to the House of Ollel, [new year] is on the eighth of Av, the first Shabbat dinner, as it is written: “Remember the Sabbath day and make it holy” (Ex 20:8). The House of Ollel says: when a chag falls on Shabbat, [the Shabbat] takes precedence: kal ve chomer [even more so] Rosh Hashanah of Laviot must be heightened by the merit of the Shabbat. The ruling goes according to Rav Gabliel, as the order of days has higher merit.
Mishnah Laviot 2a:
When planning a potluck dinner, take a tithe of the meal and make it vegan. Rav Gabliel says: take 4 tithes [as vegan]. As it is written, “and you shall use the [liquid with] infusions from the chickpea to make a challah” (V’gan 14:22). The Gematria [numerical word value] for “vegan” [tiv’oni] is 147, which is three times 49, the Gematria for “girl” [yaldah]. Thus, a vegan meal merits from the sanctity of a mezuman [chorum of 3] of yeladot. The sages ask: What is yaldah? Rav Ollel says: it is anyone who has been or will be a girl. As it is written, “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. All I need is time… while I’m in between” (Brit Neh). Rav Gabliel says: anyone who considers themselves to be. As it is written, “Man, I feel like a woman” (Shaniah).
Mishnah Laviot 2b:
Said the House of Ollel: it is assur [forbidden] to make a blessing over a potluck meal that does not include chicken soup, as it is written, “chicken soup is medicine for the soul” (Feik Nuz 3:9). Rav Gabliel says: a vegan person may think [the soup] is made of real chicken, and thus not fulfil the mitzvah even if the soup is permitted for vegetarians. A ruling was made that if there is none [of the chicken stock permitted for vegetarians], one se’ah of onion soup can be prepared. Rav Gabliel says: only if a person is poorly.
Mishnah Laviot 2c:
How many guests is ideal for a seudat Laviot? Rabbi Ollel says: enough that you must look to their cup. What does this mean? The Gaymara says: a feminazir is recognisable by two things, their drink and their hair, as it is written, “[a Nazir] shall abstain from wine… [and] no razor shall come upon the face [or body]” (Num 6:3-5). From this we understand that the guests must be so numerous that there is not enough space to lift the arms, such that we cannot see the underarm hair, and must look at [the contents of] the cup to know whether a guest is a feminazir or not.
Mishnah Laviot 3
It happened once, that a woman went to the Ponds and stayed until nightfall. She sent word to the House of Ollel saying she was immersed in the water of Heath and basked on the banks and was bathed in the empowerment [of the water]. The House of Ollel ruled: Pic [פי״ק] or it didn’t happen. According to Rav Gabliel, when the reason for the pic is for Instagram, it is permissible to use an old photo if you had this in mind when you took it, as it says, “The way rivers flow, they repeat and flow again” (Eccles 1:7).
Mishnah Laviot 4:
The Gaymara asks: Who is an ally? Rav Gabliel answers: someone who makes the pilgrimage to Pride. Rabbi Ollel says: someone who makes [the pilgrimage to Pride] and adorns themselves and their maidservants in rainbow [garments]. How much rainbow? One who wears 3 tefachim [palm-lengths] fulfils the obligation. Rav Gabliel explains: one must have in mind [the chag] when wearing rainbow. As it is written, “my rainbow I have placed in the cloud” (Gen 9:13). What reward does one receive for wearing rainbow [on Pride]? Entrance into olam-habah. Rav Ollel disagrees: Olam Habah is reserved for those who adorn [rainbow garments] at least three times a year, and says the entire bracha, not the word [Pride] alone.
Mishnah Laviot 5
The status of feminist becomes null and void for an ish [man] if: he explains a concept to an isha in a manner pertaining to that of a father to a child, as it is written, “and you shall teach your children” (Deut 6). [Also] if he has studied Tractate Nanette (R’ Gadsby), but then demands of his wife to tend to his oxen [for this he loses the status]. The House of Ollel rules: he may make teshuvah by donating to Bloody Good Period, visiting a women’s refuge, or supporting films starring female leads. He does not make teshuvah by merely liking [feminist posts on] Facebook. For this is like a donkey who gores a pregnant woman, and then asks to be fed.